It's been more than 3 weeks.  I thought you wanted to look back.  Actually, I thought you wanted to come back, but guess I was wrong...

Current Mood: crushed

My Mother always say:  "It's better to have someone Love you more than you Love them.  To sit and wait is a very painful thing." 

And Glen Frey is immortalized by asking:  "Are you gonna stay with the one that Loves you, or are you go back to the one you Love?"

Current Mood: anxious

It's been awhile. Yes, I've accepted it, but no, I'm not over it. In the end though, I think this was a good decision for me. I don't know if it was for you, I could care less (Ha - look at that, I'm still bitter!).  

With every long term relationship comes so many things you have to finalize after the break up.  With us, it was money.  I still have things in his house and the keys to go in there with.  It's not so much I wanted to leave my mark, or had hope, I just knew there was more to our end than a couple of shirts.  To prevent torture, I decided to hold out and do everything in one trip.

I asked him via email when is a good time.  I was scared his voice would bring out something that I didn't want to face.  I've done pretty well so far and I'm not about to let him fuck it up.  It took 2 emails for him to tell me to just go to his house and drop off the money, since I do still have the house keys.

4 years.  4 years full of things any couple shouldn't have to face, and I don't even deserve 5 minutes?  You tell me you'll always Love me but we will never be together - FINE.  But now I don't even get the kind of respect you would give an acquaintance??  Sentimental BS - SPARE ME PLEASE!!!  Don't get me wrong, if this was just another one of those "Just gathering up my stuff" episodes, I'd totally agree with him.  The less contact the better.  But there are more serious issues at hand.  It's NOT just a couple of material things that I used as an excuse to see him.  If it wasn't for this, I wouldn't have cared what was left behind.  But this is how you treat me??  Telling me to use the keys I shouldn't be having, to go into a house I shouldn't be going into, doing things that I have no right in doing?

You were always somewhat of an A-hole and I was always glad I wasn't on the receiving end.  Looks like the tables have turned.  I'm done.  I'm so done.  Not because I don't still think about you, or what could've been.  But I'm just... Done. 

Current Mood: apathetic

A weekend in Maine always helps.  Doesn't heal all, but most.  Family and 2 dzn lobsters later, I'm good as new.

I made an effort to bring down lobsters for a friend of mine, something I usually don't do.  On my way home from dropping it off and coffee, I started wondering why we never dated.  It wasn't till then that I realized - I'm OKAY.

It's not because I don't Love Him.  But the relationship has been dead a long time ago.  it's just that neither one of us wanted to start over.  We didn't want to leave that comfort.  In other words, we were just plain lazy.

I got my first moving violation yesterday night while driving my Mom home.  I hate driving and have tried to avoid it for 26 years, but sometimes you just gotta do what you gotta do.  My Mom spent the whole time trying to get him to go to dinner with me.  I had to tell her to shut up in Chinese so I wouldn't get arrested.   With ticket in hand, we giggled the whole way back.  He was very good looking.

Maybe this Single thing isn't that bad after all...

The most hurtful thing that can happen with someone you're in Love with is not a break up.  Don't get me wrong, that's no walk in the park.  But somehow, you realize that sometimes seeing the person happy is simply enough.  So no, that is not the worst thing that can happen.

My opinion?  It's when you realize the one you Love is starting to Hate you.  Well, maybe that's too strong of a word.  Let's try... Resent.  A little different, but both along the same line.  Although I think resent is unintentional.  Whatever, doesn't matter at this point.

There are 4 things in Life that are important.  Family, Career, Significant Other, Friends.  Family is family,  good or not you will never have a choice about that and to me, it should always be the most important.  The last 3 tends to change places in priority as you grow.  

For Him?  His Life only has 3 slots.  His Friends will always be behind him 100%, but I think I've managed to prove my importance and staying power.  But before I can even get the words "HURRAY" out, I realized, there are times when your slots are cut short.  Certain times, from 4 slots we can only have 3.  And for Him, now he can only have 2.  

So what happens?  What happens to the slot I fought so hard for?  That slot became the dispensable slot.  You're happy until you realized that when something needs to give, you're the first one to go.  I would never ask to be put in front of His family, just as He would never to be put in front of mine.  And until I win the PowerBall tomorrow, he will still have to work.  So now what? 

His back is wearing thin, and something has to go.  We're back to Square One and that's a place we're so sick of going back to, a place we're both not sure if we're even willing to go back to.  

All this and you wonder, why work so hard in the first place if you keep having to start over?  

There's a song that translate - "Even if you Love passionately one more time, you realize it's easier to give up."  It's definitely easier to give up.  But even if I don't pick the latter, would we be "Loving passionately"?  

Current Mood: annoyed

I realized people only write when they're not content.  I don't mean the blogs of opinions, questions, or meaningless things like that.  I mean, really write.  Writing requires thinking.  People who are truly content doesn't really think about any good writing material, which is why I started this in the first place.

Shit always happens.  Despite of what happened, He and I are slowly working our way back to the way we were.  His time is cut in half to take care of MY situation.  He gave up his Time, Effort, Comfort, Security, and Money to take care of something that totally has nothing to do with him.  If that's not Love, I don't know what is.

I see Him even less than what I used to, and I used to almost never see him.  Our "dates" has become 12a dinners and going home to sleep, with some wild monkey Love in between.  Each day I'm trying to teach myself to be more understanding, and learn to be satisfied with what I have, and what I can get - not from the Life, but from Him.

Out of all the people that knows about Him and me, 99% of them that says we do not belong together, and that includes my Mother.  Some doubt his Love, some doubt our compatibility, some just doubts Him.  But one thing they all see, is that I'm like that leach that He can't get rid of.  Good riddens for Him, kudos to me.

So what's the silver lining?  We're together, and sometimes, this time at least, it's way more than enough.


See, this was a boring post...

Current Mood: content

Something Toxic...

A month and a half ago, HIM and I broke up.  2 weeks later, my bestfriend and her Dirtbag of a Man went their separate ways.  3 weeks after that my Brother and his girlfriend stayed up till 5a to discuss whether they see their futures involving each other.  We've all been with our significants for 2-4 years.  SOMETHING is definitely in the air...

Maybe it's the summer.  The whether is getting nicer and everyone wants to come out and play.  Although in HIS case I don't know how much playing there will be.  One of our problems was always time.  But the other day when I was over there, something made my brain stop.  Why was I over there?  Cause I'm still the girl that wants to get back with her ex.  So what do I do?  Whatever he wants.  Don't make a face, you know you've done it and you'll keep doing it when put in that situation.

His favorite show came on and I offered to watch it.  He glanced at it and said: "Oh that's ok, I've seen every episode."

I sat up.  Wait a sec - WHAT????  We broke up because you claimed you don't even have time to eat dinner.  That you don't want to make me wait and wonder when you're coming home, or when's the next time I'll even have 5 minutes with you.  You wanted to concentrate on what you need to do and yet you have the time to watch every episode of some FREAKING ALASKAN CRAB SHOW?!!?!?!?!?!?!

Of course this was all a monologue that I gloriously performed in my head.  In actuality,  I did nothing.  The breakup is still too new, too fragile, any other reaction would've been too confrontational.  I'm not totally over it and is still so hopeful that I just sat there and did what every girl who wanted to get back with her ex would've done - take everything that gets thrown to her with open arms.

It's a long weekend and the first one in a long time I have the chance to sleep late.  God I love to sleep late.  Instead I was up at 930a because He called to see if I wanted to grab breakfast.  But now he's back asleep and I'm here trying to find the remote.  Maybe I'll catch the Alaskan Crab Show...

Current Mood: hopeful

I've known about LJ for awhile now.  Most of the people I know uses Xanga - only the people I stalk use LJ.  All the entries I read on LJ are of people I have never met.  I don't remember how I found them, but I've always found their writings, their views, and their lives worth revisiting every once in awhile.  Don't ask me why.  Maybe I need to find better reading material - like the newspaper or something.

So here I am - starting a LJ.  This is a place where I can lead a seperate life.  Away from everyone I know.  Not because I really have that much to hide.  But I want to know what it feels like to be able to express myself with no barriers.  This is where I can totally tell the truth about what happened, about how I really feel.  I've started written journals many many times.  People has either found them, or I just simply lost them.  I don't think anyone will ever find this, but that's ok, that's kind of the point.

We're all here to just create memories...